Moments With Myself

I haven’t posted in while. My spirit called me to do a long period of silence. I entered into a spiritual fast without even knowing that I was headed for one. The years of child-rearing, full-time work, commuting, relationships, conforming to society, media bombardment, longing, yearning, and sheer exhaustion had certainly taken its toll on my spirituality. Throughout the years I always considered myself a true spiritualist. Little did I know that I was only a dabbler. My spirituality was on a back burner the whole time.

My fast was contrary to the conventional. I fasted not by abstaining from food, but by abstaining from outside influences. After a lifetime of listening to well-meaning friends, family, teachers, bosses, co-workers, strangers, the internet, and the not-so-well-meaning media, one has to get away to de-clutter the mind. In fact, in all of my 39 years, I cannot remember a time when I ever got the opportunity to sit in silence for days on end without the world calling at me. My fast entailed minimal human interactions which meant, no phone, text, or email conversations, little stepping foot outside (the multitude of snowstorms made that quite easy), minimal internet (down to a 1/2 hour a day), and absolutely no media interaction. Luckily, since I had already ceased subscribing to cable service two years ago, the TV was already off. My fast also entailed me saying very little throughout the day. I currently live with my youngest son, a very bright and independent 17 year old, who is naturally of little words. We spoke all throughout, but I consciously chose my words and spoke only when necessary.

What I wanted to do was empty my mind of all I had absorbed throughout my life and see what it is that I wanted to hold on to and what it is I needed to get rid of. Perhaps one might call it a spiritual spring cleaning. I also wanted to empty my mind and see if my Spirit had anything it was dying to tell me, since I had spent a lifetime tuning It out.

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The last couple of weeks have been intense, with much bubbling to the surface. I’ve had to face many of my personal demons. So many things I ignored that I should have given more importance to… So many things I gave importance to that I should have ignored… So many ways I viewed life that I thought were normal… So many ways I cancelled-out my spiritual efforts… So many ways I saw myself in not the Highest light… So many ways I dishonored my Divinity… So many ways I dishonored another’s Divinity…So many ways I desecrated life… So many ways I desecrated the feminine… So many weaknesses… So many perversions… So many fears and so many tears…

I’ve seen plenty. Can’t say I’ve seen it all, but I certainly have much on my plate to work with, and not a moment to spare.

Making many changes and distancing myself from the many things society considers “normal”. Fear of being rejected or ridiculed is not as scary as it used to be. The lure of being cool, being liked, or “fitting in” is also losing its grip on me. I had always considered myself a non-conformist, but I have been shown just how accommodating I had been to society and it’s expectations of me. And so I was a conformist all along and didn’t even know it!

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To say the least, I’ve lost interest in many stupid things, and I am distancing myself from that individual I used to know as “myself”. Looking to come out a completely unrecognizable person at the other end of this fast.

Will continue to fast for probably another couple of weeks, but am gradually breaking it by getting certain thoughts out via my posts and other creative outlets.

My ultimate goal is to have a much clearer and much more direct communication with my intuition, my Higher Self, and the Beings of Heaven. I like to call these my guiding rods, virtues that have lately become a necessity for me, and refuse to continue through life without.

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