Today I had a realization. An epiphany really!
I realized why I am where I am today, and how I single-handedly have placed myself there. I realized the reason behind my non-satisfaction, all my sadness, and unfulfilled dreams. I played back the tape of all my past years and saw a recurrent theme woven into the fabric of my current life. It is the theme of restraint, of holding back, and of holding myself hostage. Instead of advancing, I’ve been retreating. A major “aha!” moment for me. MAJOR!
My childhood consisted of a very constrained and suffocating lifestyle. I learned to obey every imposing, inflexible, and neurotic demand of my mother’s from a very young age. At 18, I allowed myself to be whisked away by my future husband, who I quickly discovered later that I had simply exchanged my mother for him. He was just as controlling, rigid, and irrational, and after the divorce was never to be seen again.
The 7 years of single-handedly raising 3 sons again gave me another excuse to further procrastinate my freedom. I allowed myself to believe that as a single mother, I had to control my beliefs, words, and actions around those whom I perceived had power over me, or forfeit my survival. I take full responsibility in allowing myself to believe that I was a helpless, vulnerable victim of my circumstances.
Today I no longer have such heavy burdens. No longer have such great responsibilities. The children are grown. So what now? What’s my next excuse? What am I going to use as a reason to shield myself from this cold cruel world?
I realize today this is something I’ve unconsciously done all along… shielding myself and holding back my full expression for fear of….. ?????????????
I still don’t have the answer….
Likewise, today is the day that I make the decision to no longer allow fear to hold me back, and to at all times honor my fullest expression.
Today is the day that I turn the page and finally step into a new chapter. I am fed up with that old me, fed up with not experiencing the fullest of life, and fed up with being a prisoner to myself.
I am no longer holding back. It’s a new chapter, so watch out, and stay tuned for a twist in the plot…